my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
