I'm so fucking centered right now
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize