Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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