dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
