A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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