I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
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