I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Why are your pants in the freezer?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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