i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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