Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
