Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
