At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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