god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
