There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
