I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
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