So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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