and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
