He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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