she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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