i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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