I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
