i jhust puked up my retainher.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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