I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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