it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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