im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
