WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
