Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
