Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
