If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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