I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
