I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
