Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
