I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
