we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
