if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
My dick has a subreddit
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
