At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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