Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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