I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
it's like iHOP with fire
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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