Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
