Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
