I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
