I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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