She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
