at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
