I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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