Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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