Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
