I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
