1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
