Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
