Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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