I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
