why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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