I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize