just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize