You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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