The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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