I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
