I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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