so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
