So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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