dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
