I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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